In a world of chaos and busy schedules, our homes become our sanctuary where we can share with one another our daily experiences, our challenges, and our achievements. It is becoming more difficult for couples to form connections with one another in a short amount of time. Couples with children find it exceptionally hard to invest in their relationships due to their parental, family, and job commitments. As a therapist, I hear that couples long for connection and security in each other’s arms, however their relationship is often put on the back burner. “There was just not enough time” as one client described how their relationship got to be in crisis.   I hear couples justify this sense of despair as inevitable thinking that it could not be helped. When our repeated attempts to connect with one another fail despite our best efforts, we feel discouraged and exhausted. 

Created by the late Dr. Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy is considered a gold standard in couples therapy. The underlying foundation to this model is attachment theory where our bond with our significant other is driven by our feelings of safety and a secure attachment. A secure bond under stress resembles a stone house on a hill where no raging storm or flood water can get to it. It looks like this:

Steve is driving home from work. He has an important presentation to do tomorrow, and he knows he must work late tonight in order to finish it. He is thinking about how to break this news to his wife since he had promised to help her finish the chores and put the kids to bed. Steve is feeling frustrated thinking about his presentation, but he also feels relieved to be going home to his family. He remembers how supportive his wife has been over the years and how much he loves her.  Realizing that he is struggling with mixed emotions, he decides to discuss it with his wife at a proper time knowing that she’d be supportive. 

This is one example of how EFT can help couples reach out for each other in times of distress, and to comfort one another when they struggle with issues in life. Often couples who struggle in their relationships find it difficult to reach out in distress. Other times, they feel disappointed when they open up to their partner, but they feel dismissed or rejected. This of course perpetuates a cycle of unmet needs into insecurity and unhappiness. 

Supported by cutting edge research, EFT provides a map to view our interactions with one another through the lens of relatedness and belonging where our emotions drive our goals in our interactions. I’d like to invite you to consider a new way of thinking where you could achieve a secure bond and positive interaction with your partner. EFT helps couples re-organize key emotional responses and, in the process, the organization of the dance with loved ones. 

I also find that by investing in their relationships, couples also improve their parental role and collaborate with one another thus benefiting the whole family. Often couples who have succeeded in forming secure bonds with one another regard their new bond as satisfying and revolutionary. They also feel better about their own individuality, appreciating their positive sense of self. 

If you are interested in improving your partnership, please reach out to us for more information on booking Couples Counselling!

Contributed by Samira Gebhardt, MDiv, RP(Qualifying), who currently practices individual, family, and couples therapy at Integrate Health Services!